I've been spending quite a bit of time over at his house (before and after work.) We have a history of family members waiting for a loved one's birthday and passing away on that date. Yesterday was my birthday, and since Dad had hung on longer than expected, I thought he might be hanging in there for that. So on my birthday, one of the caregivers and I sang Happy Birthday to me. I hung around another hour, reciting guided meditations designed to take the sting and the fear out of death by using soothing imagery. Then I went on to work.
When I came back he was a little more alert than usual. Keep in mind Dad hasn't had anything to eat or drink in days. Last Wednesday was his last solid food. I think on Saturday he had a little tomato soup. But since he hasn't been able to swallow at all since that time, he has had neither food or drink. By the way, without euthanasia, or a massive stroke or heart attack, or some other accident, this IS how you go. And it is a pretty cruel death. He's not in pain, but dying of thirst and starving is far from comfortable.
Back to the birthday. So I came back from the office and put on some music. I would read for a while, then I held his hand and swung it back and forth to the beat. Then back to guided meditations. Sometimes his eyes registered that he was conscious, but most of the time not. Here's how the guided meditations went (in cadence with the breath):
"Imagine yourself breathing up through your toes. And as you inhale...relax your toes...relax your feet... relax your ankles...and on your next exhalation...relax even more. Relax your calves...relax your knees...relax your thighs...and on your next exhalation...go even deeper into deep relaxation. Relax your pelvis...relax your stomach...relax your chest...and on your next exhalation...relax even more. Relax your shoulders...relax your arms...relax your hands... and on your next exhalation, relax even more...relax your neck...relax your jaw...relax your cheeks...relax your eyes...relax your scalp. And on your next exhalation, feel all of your muscles melting into the bed. Completely supported by the bed. And now try to imaging yourself sitting on a beautiful blanket on a beach. Feel the warmth of the sun and is shines down upon you, and the coolness of the breeze as it flows over you. Listen to the sound of the waves as they roll in toward the sand, and smell the salt air. And as you inhale, imagine the waves bringing in joy, love, and peace, and filling you with positive emotions. And as the water then goes back out to the sea, imagine it taking with it any feelings of stress, anger, fear. And after several exhalations, you are left with nothing but peace, and joy, and love. And now try to imagine, joining you on the blanket, are Barbara and Cindy, embracing you and welcoming you into the next life. Telling you how much they have missed you and how happy they are that you are coming to be with them. And you are so happy to see them again because it has been so may years away from these loved ones. And now picture your mother an father also coming to the blanket and embracing you. Greeting you into the next life. Very happy that you are finally reunited. Happy that this day has finally come. And Barbara and Cindy tell you that you don't have to do anything. Just relax and let go. Completely giving yourself over to the next life. No effort. No struggle. No worries. Just let go and let it happen.
I have several variations that I went through over then next two hours; one involving a magic carpet taking him to his favorite vacation spot (the mountains) at night (and Barbara and Cindy being there). One of him dropping pebbles into a lake, and then being just like the pebble, dropping to the bottom (this is very relaxing.) As an ex yoga instructor, my guided meditations were for many the best part of my class. Some students asked me to make tapes for them so they could use my voice to go to sleep. I do this in my head most nights to put myself to sleep. It's self-hypnosis. By the time I get to my knees, I'm completely conked out.
I brought in a piece of cake and sang Happy Birthday to myself once again. I had the girls turn him and then went home.
I took his clothes to Goodwill (except for his burial suit and his pajamas.) I gave his nightstand to one of the caregivers.
This is the next morning as I am writing this, and as I have not had a call, I have to believe he is still with us.
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