David Died January 28 at 12:35

I had been at his house until 9:30 and then left to go to work. After working for two hours I took a broker to lunch when I got the call right before dessert. I went over to the house and Dad looked very peaceful. Basically he looked the same as he did in the morning, other than he was no longer breathing. Hospice stayed with me throughout the afternoon as we waited for the funeral home to come take the body. I felt exhausted and relieved.

I read a short book called A Good Death which explained the steps by which we die naturally, with the brain basically shutting off the desire to eat and drink. It explained that the process of dying was not painful, and the pain of hunger is also shut off in the brain. It's like your body knows it's time and takes care of what needs to be done to help it die. This helped me so much because I kept thinking he was dying of starvation. He wasn't. He was dying of old age. He was in a coma for the last week. I played a lot of music, did a lot of guided meditation, and talked to the critical care nurses who I believe were there to take care of both of us. If his breathing became labored, he was given a little morphine under the tongue. The best part about the book was that it affirmed I was doing everything right, and that less is more. No machines, no tubes, just comfort, baths, and lots of lotion. I was glad I was able to stroke his arms, legs, and hold his hand without his getting all fidgity. I was happy that I was able to tell him I loved. Now that I have a much better understanding of what he was feeling and experiencing, the fear of going out this way is much diminished. And I absolutely want hospice calling the shots. When the family makes the calls, there are too many emotions getting in the way of a good death. Trust me.

We will be burying him Monday in the usual place. I know some of us are not able to travel and that's OK. I know you were following the blog and I sure do love ya'll for doing so. Dad never knew the blog existed. He knew he was being videoed on occasion, but that's about it. I guess it's fun to think that right about now, Mom is catching him up on the good parts....

Still With Us

I've been spending quite a bit of time over at his house (before and after work.) We have a history of family members waiting for a loved one's birthday and passing away on that date. Yesterday was my birthday, and since Dad had hung on longer than expected, I thought he might be hanging in there for that. So on my birthday, one of the caregivers and I sang Happy Birthday to me. I hung around another hour, reciting guided meditations designed to take the sting and the fear out of death by using soothing imagery. Then I went on to work.

When I came back he was a little more alert than usual. Keep in mind Dad hasn't had anything to eat or drink in days. Last Wednesday was his last solid food. I think on Saturday he had a little tomato soup. But since he hasn't been able to swallow at all since that time, he has had neither food or drink. By the way, without euthanasia, or a massive stroke or heart attack, or some other accident, this IS how you go. And it is a pretty cruel death. He's not in pain, but dying of thirst and starving is far from comfortable.

Back to the birthday. So I came back from the office and put on some music. I would read for a while, then I held his hand and swung it back and forth to the beat. Then back to guided meditations. Sometimes his eyes registered that he was conscious, but most of the time not. Here's how the guided meditations went (in cadence with the breath):

"Imagine yourself breathing up through your toes. And as you inhale...relax your toes...relax your feet... relax your ankles...and on your next exhalation...relax even more. Relax your calves...relax your knees...relax your thighs...and on your next exhalation...go even deeper into deep relaxation. Relax your pelvis...relax your stomach...relax your chest...and on your next exhalation...relax even more. Relax your shoulders...relax your arms...relax your hands... and on your next exhalation, relax even more...relax your neck...relax your jaw...relax your cheeks...relax your eyes...relax your scalp. And on your next exhalation, feel all of your muscles melting into the bed. Completely supported by the bed. And now try to imaging yourself sitting on a beautiful blanket on a beach. Feel the warmth of the sun and is shines down upon you, and the coolness of the breeze as it flows over you. Listen to the sound of the waves as they roll in toward the sand, and smell the salt air. And as you inhale, imagine the waves bringing in joy, love, and peace, and filling you with positive emotions. And as the water then goes back out to the sea, imagine it taking with it any feelings of stress, anger, fear. And after several exhalations, you are left with nothing but peace, and joy, and love. And now try to imagine, joining you on the blanket, are Barbara and Cindy, embracing you and welcoming you into the next life. Telling you how much they have missed you and how happy they are that you are coming to be with them. And you are so happy to see them again because it has been so may years away from these loved ones. And now picture your mother an father also coming to the blanket and embracing you. Greeting you into the next life. Very happy that you are finally reunited. Happy that this day has finally come. And Barbara and Cindy tell you that you don't have to do anything. Just relax and let go. Completely giving yourself over to the next life. No effort. No struggle. No worries. Just let go and let it happen.

I have several variations that I went through over then next two hours; one involving a magic carpet taking him to his favorite vacation spot (the mountains) at night (and Barbara and Cindy being there). One of him dropping pebbles into a lake, and then being just like the pebble, dropping to the bottom (this is very relaxing.) As an ex yoga instructor, my guided meditations were for many the best part of my class. Some students asked me to make tapes for them so they could use my voice to go to sleep. I do this in my head most nights to put myself to sleep. It's self-hypnosis. By the time I get to my knees, I'm completely conked out.

I brought in a piece of cake and sang Happy Birthday to myself once again. I had the girls turn him and then went home.

I took his clothes to Goodwill (except for his burial suit and his pajamas.) I gave his nightstand to one of the caregivers.

This is the next morning as I am writing this, and as I have not had a call, I have to believe he is still with us.

Helping Dad Let Go

Dad is no longer eating regularly. I've talked hospice into discontinuing all but the "comfort medications." He is forgetting how to swallow. I go over to feed him after work, but if he rejects food, I do not push. Nor do the caregivers. Today he had very little and all he had for supper was a glass of cranberry juice. I want what is best for him. And what is best for him is a quick passing.

I spoke with a girlfriend of mine last night who said she had had an aunt who was fighting and hanging on to life. Once she was given permission to die and was told everyone would be alright and take care of each other, she died within ten minutes. She was in a coma when my friend had given her permission. But once she got the words, she let go. She suggested I do that with Dad.

So tonight after I got the juice in him, I waited for the right moment. I decided there never would be a perfect moment; just go ahead. Even though there are always people around, I just had to let go of how this might sound to others. I said, "Daddy, if you would like, you can go and be with Momma and Cindy. I'm sure they are looking forward to seeing you. It's going to be a great reunion for you. I know you haven't seen Momma in years. You don't have to worry about me. I'm going to be OK. Amy is going to be OK. Johnny is going to be OK. I just want you to be happy and let go. You don't have to struggle to live anymore. Just relax and let go." Dad was more alert than usual, but he still didn't appear to comprehend a word I was saying. That's perfectly fine. If he picked up on any part of the message, it might help him to stop fighting. Dad believes in an afterlife and a heaven where one is reunited with their loved ones. I do not, but this is about him, not me. It's about whatever he needs in order to let go. This image will hopefully take some of the scariness out of dying.

We watched about thirty minutes of Casa Blanca, then I got up to leave. I told him, "I'll see you, and you think about what I said."

David is Having TIA's Daily Now

Dad has been having mini-strokes daily. So his caregiver told me they would start pureeing his food. She's been getting him to take his medicine by crushing it up very fine and mixing it with about an eighth of a cup of pancake syrup. It takes a minute for him to realize he's not getting something yummy, but by then he's eaten it. I stayed up there a couple of hours today. He can still eat and swallow soft food (eggs and potatoes) but he's unconscious.

I asked the manager how she knew he was having a stroke. She said his body goes very rigid and his eyes roll back. I had not seen this happening this morning (it happened before I got there) but I did see him rubbing the backs of his hands around on his forehead as though he was feeling bad and could not tell us what was going on. His little male housemate, who was not allowed to move from his spot next to Dad and myself (he'd set off an alarm), reached out to hold Dad's hand. Dad's other little housemate, with periwinkle hair, also had her first mini-stroke today. She was scared, frazzled, and unable to communicate. So I kept the male housemate and Dad under watch so the caregivers could take care of her. Once Dad's gone, I want to continue going to see my Golden Girls and Guys for dominoes and movies.

We had a lot of company this weekend and it's great that everyone had a chance to say goodbye to David. Dad's brother has agreed to perform the funeral service and has already done a complete draft which sounds perfect.

Thanks everyone for coming to Dallas to see him. I know it's very very hard to see a loved one so ill. I believe the sound of our voices helps a great deal, whether he can show it or not.

David Ate a Piece of Coffee Cake Today

At first all he would consume was a little Ensure today. Then I got him to let me feed him coffee cake and lemon cake. He washed it down with Ensure. Then he went to sleep. He's out of it for the most part. I'm to the point where I can only understand a few words here and there. He acts out his hallucinations. He will act out feeding himself (although nothing in his hands) and when he opens his mouth to put his bite in, I put the bit of cake in. I was across the room getting us a second piece when he started to drop a glass of Ensure on the floor. Fortunately we caught it in time. He's been combative with his caregivers when they try to change him and clean him up. They are all surprised he is still as strong as he is. But the comment is that they are happy he's still "in there." Thank goodness that his current house is not pushing for replacement in a nursing home. As they told me upon admittance, he never has to leave. That's highly unusual (and possibly against government regulation.) I know the people caring for him are not nurses (outside of the hospice staff), but he's used to them and would react badly to a move. Plus (and this is the most important) they are very attached to him and he to them. I told him he had had two strokes on Friday. He said he knew (doubtful) and that nobody helped him. I told him he was getting a new mattress. I don't think he takes in much information. I told him about his sister, his daughter, and his son-in-law coming out next Friday. After the videos and his going back to sleep, I sat on the couch cuddled up with a couple of my Golden Girls and then snuck out when everyone was conked out.

David is Not Alert Enough to Eat Much

Dad was able to eat a late breakfast yesterday (two pigs in a blanket, a donut, and an Ensure) but then wanted to go back to sleep. At 5:00 p.m. yesterday they got him up to go to supper (enchiladas made especially for his benefit) and he had another stroke. He was taken immediately back to bed and slept all night. This morning he did not become fully alert other than to say "Stop bothering me" to the caregivers in the room. I came in and sat at his bedside for an hour. He didn't wake up so I decided to go look into funeral arrangements. I have decided on a casket and a graveside service with a couple of Dallas businesses. When the time comes, the graveside service will be in Waco, and then we can all go to supper.

I called to see how he was doing in the afternoon. He is non-responsive but he is doing all right. He drank one and a half Ensures. They also got him to take his medicine for the first time in two days.

Later I got a call from his hospice nurse. They are giving him a new bed: a low air loss mattress to help with his bed sores and a cellulitis infection on his arm. He is also going to get antibiotics for this.

On one and a half Ensures per day, I cannot foresee Dad lasting very long. Thanks to hospice and his little group home, I can maintain a normal life. It's a little bit hard to sleep through the night due to my tendency to obsess about Dad's poor health. Tonight I think I'll go ahead and use every trick in the book to get my full eight hours. I'll keep us all in the loop. I'll go see him in the morning.

David has a TIA (Mini Stroke)

This morning at 8:00 Dad was getting a shower and had a mini-stroke. He has been in bed unconscious since then, unable to talk, wake up, or eat food. He was starting to come out of it. His heart rate was 78, blood pressure normal, oxygen normal. This was actually the second one this week. The first one was much milder and only lasted a couple of minutes.

The manager at the house beliees that he will probably continue to have these and then one morning they will go into his room and he will be gone. We thought this was the end of the end, but it looks like he will be with us a little longer. Amy was going to drive up, but once he started to come out of it, we decided she should put it off until he has a major one. The difference per the hospice nurse is that he would NOT be coming out of the stroke.

I will go over there tonight to see how he's coming and keep ya'll informed.