Before Dad's big fall I gather that his favorite past time was walking across the street to the drug store and buying over the counter drugs and personal necessities. When we moved him the first time to assisted living in Houston, we found at least four bottles of aspirin, and lots of packages of cold medicine, along with partially used gauze bandages and tons of drugstore junk. In assisted living, however, to keep up the shopping, he had to have someone drive him to the store and give him money. So we have a couple of built in problems with that: Going to the drugstore a couple of times a week for things you already have (and I've checked) is not a good use of anybody's time, he's currently living beyond what he's got coming in from pensions and SS just to be in assisted living, and he's having more falls. We've had three falls in the last three months, the last one a week ago and fortunately nothing was broken.
Today I had him over to our house to listen to me practice piano and guitar. Not super stimulating, but it gets him out of the house. He promptly fell asleep. Then he brought up needing to go to the drugstore. He gets very angry when I do not give him money and take him to the drugstore to let him buy things he "needs". When I tell him to make me a list and I will buy him what he needs if he doesn't already have it, he said he has a cold and needs cold medicine. He has no cold symptoms. I told him he didn't have a cold (his symptom was his blood pressure was 20 points up, per him.) I let him my blood pressure fluctuates sometimes 50 points per day and that's not unusual. It doesn't mean you have a cold. He said he doesn't know what he needed, but he'd know when he saw it. I told him he's been falling a lot lately and if we went to the store and he fell, I'd have to call an ambulance, so the answer was no. He was very mad and said no one's had to call an ambulance for the last three falls. I said, that's because people were willing to risking putting their back out to lift him. I wasn't willing to do that. He asked "Does this mean you'll never take me to the store again?" and I answered "yes". Then he wanted me to take him home. I took him back and told him I'd see him next week.
Part of our problem is his inability to use the walker very well. This is partially the dementia, but also unfamiliarity. He tried to leave it at his house when we were getting ready to leave. The caregivers have to nag him to use it when he stands up. When he gets out of a car, he won't use the walker as a tool, but hangs on the door jam and tries to kind of sit in the walker. He can't seem to manage getting the front wheels up over a low step or even a welcome mat.
I have a bit of a balancing act: (1) Don't let myself get worn out doing things just to "keep him happy" and (2) being reasonable. I see the spending compulsion as a bad habit. Once upon a time he might have been able to afford to blow $100 a week on non-necessities and things he already had four boxes of, but those days are well behind us. My best solution is to get a list from a caregiver, ask another caregiver to search his bin to see if he has the stuff on the list, and then ask her to show him his stuff. We made a trip to his house in the middle of the week (through rush hour) to fix his glasses and give him a used watch. It's not his fault he has no concept of what people go through to keep the Dave machine up and running. He doesn't even know he's in Dallas.
I didn't expect him to be a happy camper, and I was right. However, I think he is still happier than he was before with the new roomies and caregivers, whether he thinks so or not. He thinks the last place was better.
This is a man who never bought a shirt until my mother had been gone five years. I could have guessed a few possible habits he might have taken up, but shopaholism was not one of them. I want to treat him like my boyfriend said he would treat me when we first started going together, "I'm not going to spend a lot of money on you, but I will spend a lot of time with you." Dad doesn't really get "quality time", but I think "acting as if" he does will eventually help the relationship. For example, I look forward to taking him to parks when it cools off. The good thing about dementia, in a couple of days, the argument is forgotten.
I just keep in mind what the marketing manager said when we moved him in, "The only reason people leave here is because they run out of money and have to move to a state facility." If he lives ten or fifteen years, that's possible. I doubt that will happen, but it won't happen with the Tick in charge. (Tight as a tick. Get it? That's me.)
Mel
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